Okay… This is a very personal post.
I feel I have now found a sense of comfort here in our tiny home. I get an awful gut ache when I think back to the moment where we turned the key to open the door to our new place. I get a gut ache when I think back to how I felt in that moment.
I was at a point of the most heightened anxiety I have ever experienced. As we arrived at our door, the air was thick and wet, and the moon had just set in for the night. I turned on my camera to record our first reactions. We pushed the door open, pulled our suitcases inside, and flicked on the first light switch we could find. Two overhead lights flickered for a moment, and then lit up our dark space with a very blue/white florescent light. Soon after walking in, I turned my camera off. I didn’t want to record how I felt.
We then sat down, unpacked our things, and went to get some food at the convenience store downstairs.
I remember watching Bryson eat as I sat on our couch furiously blinking. I guess I was hoping that I would somehow magically blink away my surroundings, and open my eyes to find myself somewhere comfortable and familiar.
I so wish that I could go back to that moment, and give that Chloe a big big hug. I want to tell her that she would actually be ok, be happy! That she would overcome her distressing thoughts, and find her appetite again.
I want to tell her about the exciting days ahead.
I want to tell her about the amazing mountains, shrines, and temples.
I want tell her about the monkeys, cats, and frogs she would see.
I want tell her about the inspiring people she would meet.
I want to tell her about her new rock climbing gym.
I want to describe to her how the city looks at night.
I want to tell her about her lovely little bike.
I want to tell her that she would eventually feel at home in this small space.
Luckily for that Chloe, she had Bryson who told her all of those things.
I am so grateful for my family and friends who have supported and encouraged me through my lowest points. I can’t imagine where I’d be without your Skype calls, postcards, pictures, videos, and positive energy sent my way. I also want to specifically thank my amazing mom for sending me beautiful handmade postcards every week to help encourage and inspire me to keep pushing myself. I love you so so much.
As I write this, I feel at ease, I feel free, and I feel I can breathe easy.
As I write this, I feel at home.
May you all feel as loved as I do.